I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

I am not a diva, I am not all caught up in my looks or having the best clothes & accessories. I consider myself a pretty simple person, tho I do like to look nice & feel pretty. 4 years ago this month I had a bilateral mastectomy. While I was always VERY small chested, it hit me the night before the surgery that my breasts were being REMOVED and I got very upset. I was in a considerable amount of pain after the surgery which resulted in a longer hospital stay than most women undergoing the same surgery...but alot of the pain, as I look back, was depression pain from accepting that my beasts were GONE. Yes, I had immediate reconstruction with tissue expanders put in at the same moment of the mastectomy, so I didn't come home with a completely flat chest, but rather 2 mounds with gigantic frankenstein scars as I referred to them & no nipples. I sobbed the first time they removed the bandages after the surgery. For the next 2 1/2 years I was very self conscious--my husband only saw me without a shirt on a couple of occassions. When the cancer returned and they described what they would have to do to remove the remaining tissue & then explained the procedure they could perform to reconstruct more natural looking breasts I was both excited and worried about how it would look. I am happy to report that today I am finally CANCER FREE with a body that looks pretty decent with clothes ON, but underneath I have breasts with multiple scars created from my stomach & butt tissue. I love my new boobs, don't get me wrong. Joel doesnt' even know what to do with a wife who has cleavage! BUT, my stomach has a scar from hip bone to hip bone & each butt cheek sports a 6 inch scar. I can't control the fact that cancer came into my life. And I can't control the scarring that is a result of putting me back together again after the cancer was removed. I can control the cellulite on my thighs, but don't have the will power to work out or eat like I would need to. I can't control the hormones that are raging and causing my face to break out like a 14 year old boy, but I have one part of my looks that I can control...my hair. I can schedule an appointment with my wonderful, young, hip stylist and within a couple of hours transform my white trash/SAHM/poor folk hair into a color that makes me feel PRETTY. As I've said before, I like to be in control. This makes me happy because I can control it & it boosts my self esteem. This is something my adoring husband cannot grasp as he will love me no matter what. I appreciate that, but sometimes a girl just needs to feel pretty...oh so pretty.